I Swear They're Not MINE!
by Daggerpoint
Summary: AI is looking for a demon (so they think) at an exhibit on Irish homelife. Enter the Schooby gang, and Angel's family's possesions. Read at your own risk.
1. Meeting the Bloomers

Disclaimer: We do not own Buffy or Angel. We are just barrowing them for an interesting laugh. Also any defined original character belongs to my partner in crime, the Demonic Empress.  
  
AN: This insanity is co-written with my friend the Demonic Empress. You can review to her at DerKaltmatCher@highstream.net We also have no real defined idea were this piece is going so read at your own risk.  
  
I swear They're Not MINE! By Daggerpoint and the Demonic Empress  
  
"Uh, Angel. Why are we here again?" Asked a baffled Fred. "I mean exactly what are we looking for this time?"  
  
The group looked around the exhibit of 18th century Irish home life. They finished looking at eh kitchen exhibit and walked into the bedroom section. Angel sighed. The exhibit brought up memories best left forgotten.  
  
A tour guide interrupted his train of though, "And here we have a set up of traditional merchant class Irish chamber furnishings."  
  
Cordy pressed forward to gain a better view of the clothing that was displayed. Her gaze rested on a pair of bloomers with a familiar name embroidered in the back.  
  
"Hey Angel," she asked, as the rest of the group moved on, "are those your bloomers?"  
  
Angel looked up confused. "What are you talking about?"  
  
"Those bloomers. They have 'Liam' written in the back."  
  
"Oh. Yeah they do," realized Fred, as an old man entered the room. Had he been human Angel would have blushed.  
  
"Um no. They couldn't have belonged to my family."  
  
"Well actually" came a voice from behind. "We have very little knowledge of the family these pieces came from."  
  
"What do you know?" asked Conner, who came out of nowhere.  
  
Angel turned and looked at his son in horror.  
  
"We only know that all but the oldest son was slaughtered by unknown persons, and it is suspected that the oldest son died of alcohol poisoning."  
  
Angel turned and looked around the exhibit. Suddenly he realized why everything looked so familiar. These were his family's belongings, the same family he had slaughtered when he was first turned. Looking carefully, Angel could almost see his sister, Katie, holding the doll sitting on the bed. He remembered that she had been holding it when she had let him in that fateful night.  
  
CRASH!  
  
"Excuse me," said the man. "I must go and investigate that." Angry shouts could be heard moments later.  
  
"Who is this?" asked Conner pointing to a picture of a young girl. "She's muy calliente!" (AN: translates to: really hot)  
  
Angel blanched. "That would be your Aunt Katie."  
  
The group looked at Angel in confusion and Conner fought back a gag reflex.  
  
"His AUNT?!" Cordy blurted.  
  
Angel nodded. "I believe these are my family's things.  
  
"Hey Dad, nice bloomers," said Conner, clapping Angel on the back.  
  
"What about underwear?" asked Buffy, walking in with the Scooby gang, minus Anya and Tara, behind her.  
  
"Oh. It turns out this is Angel's stuff and his underwear are in the middle of the entire display," explained Cordy.  
  
"Nice going Dead boy," said Xander, as Buffy pushed her way forward for a better view. "Do you still wear those?"  
  
"Of course not" Buffy answered for Angel. "He goes commando!"  
  
Angel groaned. "There goes the rest of my eternity."  
  
The rest of the thought was interrupted by a small figure landing ion the case holding the afore mentioned bloomers.  
  
AN2: So thanks for reading. Let us know what you think. And we promise it gets better. 


	2. Spell, Sharp, and Shinny

I Swear They're NOT MINE! By Daggerpoint and The Demonic Empress  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own Buffy and Angel. RUB IT IN ALREADY WHY DON'T YOU!  
  
AN: First of all thanks to all those who have reviewed so far. Secondly sorry this took so long to get out. School's a bitch right now.  
  
AN2: Okay I just want to clear some stuff up. This story is being written for the humor. We do know that most of Angel's family's stuff would not have survived. We also know that men did not wear bloomers in 18th century; I was just too lazy to look up what they actually wore. We are using bloomers, cause it sounds a little better then just underwear. If you do know what they wore please feel free to let us know. Now, on with the story.  
  
* * *  
  
The group could only stare as a small figure stood in the midst of the ruined display. Dressed from head to toe in black, the group could now see the figure appeared to be a young woman. The look on her face would have been unnerving, if it had not been for the infamous bloomers draped over her shoulders.  
  
The stoic figure spoke suddenly. "Would you mind telling me why you are staring at me as though I have three heads?"  
  
The group just continued to stare. Cordelia raised an eyebrow pointedly. "You're the one standing in the middle of the exhibit. The one you just ruined, I might add "  
  
"Mortals," the woman sneered. "All the same."  
  
'Where have I seen her before?' thought Angel, ignoring the exchange in front of him.  
  
The enigma just shrugged, before removing the offending bloomers from her person. Holding them out she ceremoniously dropped them at Cordy's feet before stalking past the shocked onlookers. As she moved through them she stopped suddenly in front of Angel. Her voice low, she asked, "Do I know you?" Before giving him a chance to respond, she simply shouldered past and made her way out to another part of the exhibit.  
  
Buffy felt jealousy well up as the woman stopped in front of Angel. As the woman left Buffy followed, preparing to take what was rightfully hers, and prove it to both the woman and Angel, once and for all.  
  
Ignoring the group behind her, the enigma moved among the exhibits. She was here for a purpose. Her eyes lightened as she found the one she was looking for. Entering she shrugged as she saw a teenage looking girl sitting atop the table centered at the middle of the library display. She held a thick tome on her lap, and diligently absorbed it. Almost as if sensing her, the girl looked up. "Took you long enough, Lady Knight," addressed the figure.  
  
Lady Knight shrugged. "Ran into a group of mortals, . Fate."  
  
The girl groaned. "You know I hate it when you use my title."  
  
Shrugging again Lady Knight walked over to the bookshelf. This part of the exhibit wasn't set on an alarm, because the local scholars were studying them, most of the time at completely random hours. Standing there she scanned the titles. "Damn where is it?" she growled.  
  
"What are you looking for again?" the girl called Fate inquired, appearing by her side.  
  
"It was a manuscript containing the only spell that would let vampires walk in the sun."  
  
"Why is that so important? Your not a vampire."  
  
"Do you think I want that sort of thing in those half breeds' hands? I'm not the only one to know that this was the family rumored to have been killed by the vampire who had it."  
  
Fate nodded. "Okay. What does it look like?"  
  
"I'm not exactly sure."  
  
"What?! This is going to take forever. We'll never." She was cut off by a group of people entering the exhibit. Hearing Lady Knight's Carpathian wolf growl, Fate smirked. "These the mortals that held you up?"  
  
"Of course. They don't have the sense to stay away."  
  
Shrugging Fate turned back to the books, as Buffy stalked up to the two. Just as Buffy was about to speak, a crash was heard. Everyone, except Sport turned to look at the door.  
  
Seconds later Giles stormed in dragging Spike by his peroxide blond hair. When he was in the middle of the room Giles threw him down.  
  
"What the HELL did you think you were doing?" Giles asked in a voice that sounded very close to Ripper.  
  
"Let me guess," Angel said from where he stood. "Spike saw something shiny and sharp."  
  
Giles nodded, calming down. "Sword of the last emperor of the Ming dynasty."  
  
Angel sighed. "Figures. Spikes always been one who thinks Sharp + Shiny = good."  
  
Spike, sitting on the floor rubbing his head, looked up. "Hey I bloody well get it from you Peaches. You're the one who trained me."  
  
"Unfortunately so," Angel replied, rubbing his temples.  
  
Spike was about to respond when a voice cut him off. "Excuse me, but if you are going to bicker would you please leave."  
  
The group turned just in time to see Fate resume her reading along side Lady Knight. This reminded Buffy of her anger, and her claim. 


	3. Oh Well It will All Workout Eventually

Disclaimer: If we owned Buffy and Angel would Angel be in LA? No he'd be in Sunnyhell. Guess that means he isn't ours.  
  
AN: Happy New Years. Sorry this took so long, but hey you can think of it as a holiday present, after all little Christmas was yesterday. Oh yeah please read and review. It helps fuel our muses.  
  
I Swear They're Not MINE! By Daggerpoint and the Demonic Empress  
  
Undaunted Buffy approached the two, stopping before the Lady Knight. "Who the Hell do you think you are?" Buffy bit out, glaring.  
  
Both girls ignored her. Lady Knight casually turning the page of the book she was currently skimming.  
  
"I said." Buffy snapped.  
  
"I heard you the first time," Lady Knight interrupted. "I just chose to ignore you. I have better things to do then waste my time talking to mortals."  
  
Buffy suddenly looked confused. "Wait. How? What do you mean mortals?"  
  
"Mortal: Liable or subject to death. Of or relating to humankind; human," Fate put in, with out looking up from her book. "If you don't believe me you can always look it up."  
  
Shaking her head, Buffy ignored Fate's last comment. "Well now that we have the definition of mortal. Who the hell are you?"  
  
Lady Knight just raised her eyebrows and looked over at Fate. Fate simply shrugged. Lady Knight sighed. "You can call me Lady Knight and her Lady Fate, if you let us work for once." Her attention was once again returned to her book.  
  
Suddenly Spike spoke, "Lady Knight. I've heard of that before." His voice trailed off.  
  
Lady Fate shrugged. "Most demons have." Everyone in the room looked at the two in shock, as Fate turned her attention to Buffy. 'You might want to get you boy-toy over there some new undergarments. If the display here is any indication he has no taste in them."  
  
Buffy looked confused. "My boyfriend?"  
  
Fate looked surprised. "Tall, Dark and Handsome over there? I thought, with the way your auras, fit together you'd be attached at the hip! Or did I screw up again? Oh well it will work out."  
  
Even Giles and Angel, both of whom had been following the conversation consistently, were completely confused at this remark. "Excuse me, but could you explain what you meant about their auras and screwing up," Giles asked, interrupting yet again the research.  
  
Lady Knight looked up, death in her glare. "I thought I made myself clear that we need to work," she bit out. "For that remark you can help us. Get a book. All of you." When the group hesitated, she hissed out "Now."  
  
The group all grabbed books and sat down. Willow looked up suddenly. "Um," she swallowed nervously. "What are we supposed to be looking for?"  
  
Fate looked up. "I'm not really sure. It's her project."  
  
"Look up anything having to do with spells, sunlight, and vampires. And don't go bullshiting me about not knowing about them. I recognize a demon when I see one," Lady Knight stated calmly.  
  
The group lapsed into silence as they worked. It was occasionally interrupted by unimportant discoveries, as the hours passed "This is hopeless!" Fate exploded. "We have been working for hours. There is nothing here."  
  
Lady Knight looked up, but said nothing. The others of the group were surprised by the outburst. "Not bad Fate," Lady Knight smirked. " 3hours, 26 minuets, and 48 seconds. I was positive that you would stop at two hours."  
  
Fate glared. "Shut up."  
  
Connor watched the two women carefully. "This may not be the best time," he interjected. "But as we have reached a stop for the moment. Would it be possible for you to explain your earlier comment? The one about Dad's and Buffy's auras?"  
  
"Sure. Why not. It'll beat the dust of the books." 


	4. Freelancing and WHAM Sorry not the band

Disclaimer: Given that a) Buffy has ended and b) that Angel just joined a law firm I don't think this story meshes with those plot lines. AKA Buffy and Angel are not MINE!  
  
AN: Yet again I must beg for your forgiveness. I know that it has been months since I posted. I pray everyone has not forgotten about us. Unfortunately school was and is trying to kill me, and my muse decided that she was taking a vacation. I'm not yet sure if it is permanent. Ah yes one more thing, my partner in crime now has her own account. She is now Clinically Insane. As always read and review!  
  
I Swear They're not MINE!  
By Daggerpoint and Clinically Insane  
  
Fate took a deep breath and let it out slowly. "Now how to explain this? Hm well. Everyone has an aura. Each aura has a color and a shape. Depending on how well a couple's auras fit together, it indicates how far into love they can get. Broody and Fluffy here fit together like ying and yang."  
  
Connor looked confused, albeit a bit pleased at the jibe as the two had been taking looks each other since they met. The rest, aside from the Lady Knight who was still reading, looked just as lost a Connor felt. Fred was the only one who spoke up. "But that's impossible. Angel and Cordy are the ones who should go together. Anyone can see that."  
  
Fate's face went hard. It was almost a tangible change, because everyone realized that now longer were they dealing with the girl of just a moment before, but with the Lady Fate. "A mortal dares to tell me how to do what I have always existed for?"  
  
Fred squeaked and dove behind Gunn, but Giles interrupted before she was faced with fighting off the Lady Fate. "So it is your well job, for lack of a better word, to decide who should fall in love?"  
  
"I guess you could say that," she said relaxing into the teenage personality. "But it's a bit more complicated then that. I work only with those who have caught the attention of someone up stairs."  
  
"Up stairs?" Cordelia looked confused.  
  
"The powerful PTBs."  
  
"Do you work for them?"  
  
"Sort of. I work freelance for the most part. Any way as I was saying."  
  
"I thought the PTBs where the all powerful beings?" This time it was Connor who looked completely lost  
  
Angel growled. "If you be patience and let her finish I'm sure all our questions will be answered. "  
  
Conner turned to glare at Angel. "Since when have you ever cared about patience, Dad?"  
  
"I just think it would be prudent to let her finish her sentence. I believe she will explain everything."  
  
Conner shrugged. "What ever."  
  
Fate sighed. 'Those two really need to learn to get along.' "Now as I was saying The PTBs are all powerful in this dimension and the ones connecting directly to it, for the most part. There are however numerous dimensions that have nothing to do with this one. Those dimensions have different. well. I guess you could say gods or PTBs."  
  
The group was silent, aside from the turning of page by the Lady Knight, analyzing the information lady Fate had imparted to them.  
  
****WHAM****  
  
With no prelude a hidden door banged, and out tumbled to tousled figures. Startled most of the group could only between the people on the floor and the now opening from which they'd come.  
  
Both sat up, rubbing the back of their heads, and looked around. "Ah oops," was the only thing the female could say.  
  
At this comment Angel finally found his voice. "Wesley, Lilah. What would you be doing here?"  
  
Lady Knight looked up and cocked an eyebrow. "Isn't that obvious?" The two on the ground flushed. "You didn't realize they were there? Forget it. I'm more interested in why they're here." She looked over at the two expectantly.  
  
Wesley grasped for control of his mind. Sigh he began "Well it started with a spell Wolfram and Hart wanted."  
  
* * * Several hours earlier:  
  
"O.K. Yes sir. I understand Will do." Lilah hung up the cell phone, before flopping back on the bed. "We've got a job."  
  
Wesley raised an eyebrow. "Got a job?"  
  
"Yeah. The senior partners want us to go through the library on display at the display on Irish life. Some spell they want is supposed to be there."  
Wesley sat up and shrugged. "Then we better get dressed and go."  
  
"Actually we will be leaving around 5. Something about scholars being more likely to be there during the day."  
  
Grinning wolfishly Wesley looked down at the women with whom he shared a bed. "Now what ever can we do to pass the time?" 


	5. Story Time Ends

Disclaimer: If I owned Buffy and/or Angel Sunnydale would not have turned into the cliché crater when Buffy ended.  
  
AN: Well. We're back. Sorry to all those loyal readers (if there are any of you left after this long delay) and thanks for all the reviews. Any way sorry for the delay, but real life and school intruded upon the idea of leisure time, but here is the next chapter. Hopefully the next chapter will be out a lot faster.  
  
I Swear They're NOT MINE!  
By Daggerpoint and Clinically Insane  
  
Several hours later found Wesley and Lilah standing in an alley around the corner from the museum. Lilah paced infront of their parked car, as Wesley sat on the hood eyeing her restless movement.  
  
"You do realize your going to wear out the soles of your shoes, before you come close to putting a dent in the asphalt?"  
  
"Shut up. I didn't realize it would be so hard to think of a non- conspicuous way in. God, all those hours gone."  
  
"Are you regretting the way we spent them?" Wesley sneered.  
  
"No, but how the HELL are we going to get in?"  
  
"Good." Wesley pushed himself off the hood of the car. "Now your in luck. You get to see the stuff I came from," he stated as he walked around and opened the trunk.  
  
"What the hell are you talking." Lilah was abruptly cut off, as she found herself blinded by flying cloth. "What in God's name is this?"  
  
"Female Watcher Standard Uniform."  
  
"What?"  
  
"As I said Female Watcher Standard Uniform. We're going to stroll in there like we own the place."  
  
"Wes, this is a bad time to develop a sense of humor. Please tell me your kidding."  
  
"Do you have a better plan?"  
  
"Turn around so I can change."  
  
"Why? Baby I've seen it all before."  
  
"Asshole."  
  
Smirking, Wesley turned around and pulled on his own clothing. With a final sigh, and a look of disgust, Lilah pulled on the damnable tweed.  
  
* * *  
"I am going to kill you for this, when we get out of here," Lilah hissed at Wesley.  
  
"It's working isn't it?" He hissed back. "Besides we are almost there."  
  
The only sound to be heard was the tapping of Lilah's heels on the floor of the corridor. Together they reached the door that lead to the library. Wesley silently opened it and walked in after Lilah, letting the door shut behind them.  
  
Wesley let out a sigh and loosened his necktie, while Lilah looked around and groaned. "Alright" she said. "Let's get to work. We have a shit load of books to go through."  
  
Wesley glanced at the walls covered in old dusty tombs, and shrugged. He immediately went to the section where the oldest books appeared to be. After running through several titles, he pulled one off the shelf. Lilah also choose a book and began looking for the required spell. This continued for a period of time.  
  
Sighing to her self Lilah slammed the book back into its place. "Useless," she exclaimed moved to face Wesley. "Completely useless."  
  
Wesley just stared past her.  
  
"What?"  
  
Wesley just shook his head.  
  
"What ever," cried an exasperated Lilah. Throwing her hands in the air she spun around and her jaw dropped in shock. What moments before had been a solid wall and bookcase was now open revealing itself to in fact be a hidden door. Together the two bedfellows moved forward to peer into the hidden room.  
  
"This must be a storage room," Lilah stated, pointing to the boxes stacked inside.  
  
"Yeah. Come on let's take a look."  
  
"Go in there? Are you insane?"  
  
"Why? Scared?"  
  
"No it's just dirty. And there is no light."  
  
Wesley grinned and pulled out a small flashlight.  
  
"Fine. Lead the way Master Tweed."  
  
Wesley glared at her, but proceeded in to the small room. Lilah followed quickly. They had taken no more then a couple of steps before the door swung back, leaving them trapped.  
  
"Shit," Wesley hissed.  
  
"Way to go moron."  
  
"Let's just find a way out."  
  
"Fine"  
  
With that the two began to look for another exit.  
  
* * *  
  
"Eventually we came back and began looking for a way to open the entrance we came in," Wesley finished.  
  
"I suppose we must have done something right because we're out," Lilah added.  
  
"And that's the reason you have a hickey the size of a quarter on your neck?" Cordelia asked cattily.  
  
Wesley and Lilah flushed as Lilah attempted to pull up the collar of the blouse to cover the mark.  
  
Conner grinned. "I guess they got a little sidetracked while they where looking for an exit."  
  
Wesley glared.  
  
"Watch yourself brat," Lilah hissed venomously.  
  
Just as Conner was about to respond, he was interrupted. "Well now that we have that sorted out we can continue searching." Lady Knight glanced at the two newcomers. "And you two can help. Get to work. Now." Silently they all returned to the task at hand, albeit with several changes. Lilah and Conner were as far from each other as possible. Buffy curled up next to Angel, while Willow joined Fate upon the table. Spike stood disdainfully in a corner until Lady Knight glared at him, then he began searching, remaining in the corner. Giles sat at the table with the Lady Knight, as Cordelia and Wesley settled themselves on the floor. Peace and quiet again reigned, but not for long. 


End file.
